


Lovely

by Sleepy_Sungie



Series: Skz hurt/comfort [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: ...just like the author haha..., Angst, Anxiety, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Music, M/M, Multi, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, a lot of me projecting, chan is an ass for a sec, felix has depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:35:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23403829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sleepy_Sungie/pseuds/Sleepy_Sungie
Summary: Felix had depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. The guys and his boyfriend Chan helped him through that. But what happens when Felix is already so close to plummeting to rock bottom again, but he and Chan have a fight? Chaos. Chaos ensues.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Series: Skz hurt/comfort [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1694668
Comments: 8
Kudos: 165





	Lovely

**Author's Note:**

> One shot bc I’m sad and I told my therapist I’d write instead. I promise I’m okay, I’m just in a depression patch, but I’ll be okay :)
> 
> Here’s the songs that played while I wrote this:  
> Skinny Love- Birdy  
> Bruises- Lewis Capaldi  
> Lovely- Billie Eilish/Khalid  
> Please Don’t Go- Joel Adams  
> Water Fountain- Alec Benjamin  
> This is Home- Cavetown  
> Sober- Demi Lovato  
> Already Gone- Sleeping At Last  
> I Love you- Billie Eilish  
> Before You Go (piano version)- Lewis Capaldi

Felix has friends. Kind of. They’re the ones who will partner with him in class if no one else is left or if there was no one else in the class they were cool with. But they never went out of their way to talk to him, and that was okay. Everyone else would call him annoying or weird when he would try to talk. Some even started calling him fat and tell him he should just stay home. There was a specific group of guys that would go out of their way to do small things, like spill water on his papers, so it would look like a genuine accident. But Felix knew better. He was so happy to leave that hell hole and join Stray Kids. 

Lee Felix has been through it. He started cutting himself in the eighth grade, and was diagnosed with clinical depression that year. He started high school, which only made things worse. He developed anxiety and bulimia. He’d eat in front of his “friends”, then immediately after would force himself to throw up in the bathroom. He lost 37 pounds that year. His ribs were showing and his face started to sink in. His parents were never there anyways, and when they were it was hell. His mother would give him whiplash with her moods, but for a majority of the time it was just her yelling at him and making him feel worthless. His dad would come home drunk and beat the shit out of him, and he would just go to bed after.

But when he was finally apart of Stray Kids, that all changed. None of them called him fat or ugly. No one made him feel worthless. The best thing though, is that no one called him annoying. He hated the last one the most. For the first few months of training, he expected someone to do all those things to him, but it never happened. He even met his boyfriend and leader Chan.

Stray kids was his family now. He and a few others cried when they had their “opening up night”. He explained his scars, both self inflicted and not, and showed his ribs. He told them his insecurities and his flaws. No one judged him. Then everyone said things that should _never_ be said to them. Hyunjin doesn’t want to be told he’s “just a pretty face,”. Changbin doesn’t want anyone to say he’s weak. Felix just doesn’t want to be ignored or told he’s annoying.

Months after the opening up, Felix makes major progress. He no longer cuts himself or makes himself vomit. He even begins to think that maybe he isn’t annoying. Thanks to his brothers and boyfriend. He thinks that a relapse is highly unlikely, so the boys start to back off on watching him.

This morning he wakes up in bed, alone. He frowns and looks around. No one. He feels like today is going to be a bad day for his anxiety already. He gets out of bed and shuffles down the hallway, deciding he wasn’t hungry (which he didn’t notice was getting more prominent) He goes to the family room and is met with an annoyed Seungmin. He walks into the room and sits near him.

“Everything okay, seung?” He asks. Seungmin just scoffs and tells him to leave him alone. Felix knows he probably just needs his space, and gives him exactly that.

He goes down the hallway again and pokes his head into Minho’s room, finding him and Hyunjin. They’re still sleeping, so he decides to let them be and tries to find someone to interact with.

Felix can feel his anxiety slowly increasing. He hates that feeling because it’s like he’s nervous for no reason. He finally finds the rest of the boys in the living room watching a movie. Chan isn’t with them, he must be at the studio, again. He’s seen his boyfriend maybe four times in the past three days. Each time, Felix would try to have even a brief interaction with him. The first day, Chan at least kissed his head on his way out, the other two days he just pushed past him, not saying anything. He gets like this from time to time when he was under pressure from JYP to finish a track, but he would always at least text Felix goodnight. Now he even stopped giving a one word reply and just stopped answering the younger all together. Felix misses Chan. It hurts really badly that he’s being ignored and is trying his best to not relapse.

Just as he was starting to feel a bit depressed, the front door swung open. It was Chan! Felix felt his heart kick and he was immediately going to his lover. Chan looks tired and even a bit irritated. Felix went up to his boyfriend and cautiously said “...hi...” Chan rolled his eyes. That hurt.

“...are you finally coming home?” He asks. Chan huffs out a no. Felix frowns then forces a smile. “I’ve missed you” he says and Chan acts like he can’t hear him as he makes some food for the studio. He doesn’t see the older clench his jaw or notice his breathing picked up. Chan loves Felix to the ends of the earth, but he’s slept maybe twenty minutes in 72 hours.

Felix swallows the lump in his throat “...y’know, I’ve been kinda anxious today and I’d-” this is what makes Chan snap. “God Felix. You’re so annoying! Can’t you see I’m trying to get back to finish that track??” He snaps over his shoulder. 

Felixs heart breaks. His eyes fill with tears “I-” he starts “No! Go bother someone else with your problems.” Chan doesn’t realize how harsh he’s being. If he would’ve seen the look on Felix’s face, he would’ve known he crossed several lines. Felix just whispers a small “okay” and tries to keep it together as he grabs an exacto blade and his speaker and goes to the bathroom. He barely has time to turn on his speaker and get music playing as he starts to hyperventilate and sob.

He sees himself in the mirror and looses it. He sees rolls of fat and a hideous face, even though his ribs are unhealthily prominent and he’s probably starving. “I...c-can’t breathe...h-help m-me...” he says between gasps, to no one in particular. He slides down the showers wall and brings his knees to his chest and rocks himself back and forth till his sobs become just tears and an empty, hollow feeling inside. He feels absolutely worthless. He turns the water off and drys his body and puts his pajamas on. He grabs the razor and looks at the tears splattering on his arm. He drags the razor across his wrist and actually laughs as his blood rushes to the surface. It’s not a heavy laugh, it’s a broken and tearful laugh. Both arms are dripping blood now, and he just doesn’t care.

Hyunjin got up and Minho pauses the movie. He walks down the hallway, needing to use the bathroom. He didn’t know someone was in there. He opens the door and steam comes out. He sees Felix. Shaking?

“Yo dude, you go- oh my god! Felix!” The boy just looks at Hyunjin blankly. “Why? Give me the razor.” He instructs. Felix quickly pulls back. “No!”

“Felix, now.” Hyunjin tries calmly as he attempts to wrangle it out of his grasp. “No! No!” Felix is screaming now, causing the two eldest to rush to the commotion. “Felix! No! Give him the razor now!” Minho yells as Changbin grabs the boy and Hyunjin pries his hand open. Felix starts to screech and sob, thrashing in Changbins grasp. “NO! NO NO NO! LET ME DIE! I WANT TO DIE! Just let me die!” His volume decreases with each cry until he’s just quietly crying and gripping Changbin like he could disappear any second.

Everyone but Chan is in the hallway or the bathroom. Minho, Jisung, and Jeongin are crying; whereas Changbin, Hyunjin, and Seungmin look shell shocked. Minho and Seungmin sprint to tell Chan and Changbin just rocks the broken boy back and forth telling him how much he matters, and Felix eventually cries himself to sleep in the strong arms. His arms are bandaged and Changbin carries the feeble boy to his bed and holds him like his life depends on it.

Minho and Seungmin arrive at the familiar doorstep and pound on the door, yelling the leaders name, in hopes he can hear them. Chan hears the commotion and sighs, slamming his hand on the table before ripping the door open and snaps a “WHAT?”

The boys chests are heaving as they finally get out a “F-Felix!” The eldest pinches his nose as they catch their breath. “What _about_ Felix? I told him to bother someone else while I was working!” And Minho sees red.

“You _what_?” He says eerily calm. And Chan repeats what he says. Seungmin couldn’t have stopped Minho if he wanted to.

In a split second Minho has Chan by the collar and has him slammed against the wall roughly. It felt like everything stopped. “DO YOU HAVE _ANY_ IDEA WHAT YOUVE FUCKING _DONE_?? _HUH?_ _DO YOU!!?”_ Seungmin manages to pull Minho off of Chan. “Hyung! You’ve got to calm down-” Seungmin tries.

“No!” Minho looks Chan in the eye and shoves his finger in his chest “Hyunjin found Felix in the bathroom with blood _dripping_ off of his arms and it took Changbin holding him and Hyunjin prying his hand open to get the razor out of it. He was screaming at the top of his lungs, _**begging** us to let him **die.**_ You didn’t see how _empty_ he was. You didn’t hear how _broken_ he sounded. You weren’t _there_.”

Chan’s eyes fill with tears and he collapses on the floor. Chest heaving sobs are all he can get out. He’s on his hands and knees, shaking. He reaches out in a blind panic and manages to feel Minho’s feet as he begins having a hard time breathing. “Chan. Bang Chan. Chris. I need you to breathe for me. I need you to calm down. Breathe. He’s okay, he’s safe, he’s fine. Just breathe. He’s sleeping right now. They bandaged him, he’s okay.” Seungmin whispers in his ear as he holds the leader. Chan starts to breathe normally. “I gotta get to him. I-” he stutters.

“Not tonight.” Chan’s face falls and he looks so sad. “He needs to sleep right now, and so do you. We are going to stay here tonight and we can go home tomorrow.” Minho says in a no-nonsense tone. The oldest nods and Seungmin heads back to the dorm to grab their pjs, clothes, and some pillows and blankets; all of which he shoves in a large duffel bag. Everyone’s asleep.

Meanwhile, in the studio, Chan is beside himself. “It’s all my fault. I-” he says quietly. Minho reassures him that though he might’ve caused it, he’s sure Felix will eventually forgive him. They lay out the things from the duffel bag and pass out from exhaustion.

The next morning arrives and Chan doesn’t even wait for the other two to wake up before he’s sprinting to get to his baby. He knocks loudly on the door, and Jeongin opens it, Chan pushes through, blindly looking for Felix. “Where is he?? Where’s Felix?!” He panics and Changbin grabs him by the shoulders and waits for him to calm down. “Now, before I let you go and tell you where he is, we are going to go through a few things later, okay?” Chan nods “Good. Now, don’t be shocked if he doesn’t want to see you, and if he does, you have to be extremely gentle both physically and emotionally. He’s pretty damaged right now.” Damn that hurt. Chan just begs to see him. And Changbin debates it for a second before leading him to the couch in the family room.

Felix is huddled in blankets, eyes puffy from crying, and looks drained. He locks eyes with Chan and his widen before hes breathing erratically and looks...afraid. Chan’s heart shatters and he’s already choking back tears. “Lixie, I-” he tries stepping closer but the boy buried himself further into the couch. “I-I’m sorry channie! I’m sorry! Don’t-” he cries. Chan pulls him into his arms and the boy clings to him, both sobbing hysterically. “I’m so so sorry baby. I should have never said those things. I didn’t mean them, I promise. I was just so frustrated with the track and I took it out on you. I am so sorry baby.” He kisses the boys head “I’m so sorry. All you wanted was five minutes of my time and I pushed you away. I’ll never do it again Lixie.” He says quietly, choking back sobs. “I almost lost you. I... I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I had. I love you so much baby. I love you. I’m so sorry.” He kept repeating.

Felix looks up and his lip quivers “Promise? Promise you love baby?” And Chan’s heart clenches at the insecurity in his eyes. “Yes. Channie promises that he loves baby. He will love baby till we’re old and grouchy and have three digits in our age.” He says making the boy giggle.

They don’t say anything else. They don’t need to. They just hold each other like it’s a preserver in the middle of the ocean. They fall asleep knowing that the only way from this point is up, and the two fall asleep. 


End file.
